Mid morning I threw up my breakfast (happy pills seem to be making less impact these days), ate some saltines, collapsed into bed, and wished for my mommy. I got back up, worked a little, read Keren's blog where she talked about a cold blustery morning with hot chocolate, walked outside into the 85 degree weather, and burst into tears. I walked back inside, stripped down to a tank top, made hot chocolate and chicken noodle soup, and tried to pretend it was autumn. Failure. There is no autumn in Santa Barbara. I drank the hot chocolate anyway, but threw away the chicken noodle soup. Who wants soup when it is 85 degrees?
Pregnancy hormones are strange things. For one thing, how dumb is the body to get rid of all of its nutrients when it is trying to grow a baby? Shouldn't there be some internal preservation-of-humanity gene that should make being pregnant enjoyable, or at least not miserable, so women want to do it? For another thing, these hormones are making me crazy. Am I the only person in the world who is miserable just because it is 85 degrees and sunny? Normal people should love that! I'm also feeling overwhelmed with loneliness. Not just the I've-moved-across-the-country-and-miss-my-friends kind of loneliness, but also the I-don't-know-enough-about-labor-and-babies-and-who-is-going-to-help-me-make-good-decisions kind of loneliness. Dan is wonderful, kind, and brilliant, but knows pretty much nothing about babies. And I just haven't had the energy to find or become involved in any sort of church group.
In two days, I'll hit 11 weeks. And then in a week, 12 weeks. For many people, the misery of pregnancy begins to subside around then. I'm looking forward to this transition the same way Finny looks forward to dinner, which if you've ever met him, is saying a LOT. During this phase of life, I've needed my friends, and they are all far, far away. I need people who love me and will bring me tea and dinner and knit cute things with me and let me wear pink pajama pants in their living rooms. I need Monday nights, Janelle's homemade scones with jam, Emily's darling tea cups, and to hear about other people's lives. And I need to remember that I can't wait to be a mama.
Perhaps the reason I'm not a blogger is because today's misery will likely be tomorrow's laughs, or at least next month's laughs, and who wants to dwell in misery when laughs are ahead? But in true blogger fashion I have attached a photo. It is of a baby outfit that Dan's mom made him, and it was worn by Dan, Lindy, and their cousin Julie, and then stored away in a shoebox for years and years waiting for the next generation.
1 comment:
hey I want that!
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